Picture Credit: http://www.powerpoetry.org/poems/guide-healthy-relationship-0
In America and Canada, according to our textbook, 40 percent of first marriages end in divorce (Kassin et al.), so at every turn we want to combat this issue, and find ways to create more stable, healthy, and happy relationships.
Happiness in relationships can come from equity between the two partners. Both people contribute to the relationship, and get benefits from the relationship, and as long as the ratio between their contributions and their benefits are equal, they are more likely to be satisfied in their relationship. However, problems start to occur when the balance shifts one way or the other. If Sam starts to give less than Terry is giving, this causes a disturbance between the two. Sam is receiving more than they deserve is getting over-benefited, and may feel guilty because they're profiting unfairly. On the other hand, Terry is being under-benefited may feel angry because they're being shortchanged.
This anger and possibly even resentment could lead the couple down a path of negativity. If Terry gives Sam a glare, then Sam gives Terry a dirty look, and so on and so forth until they see nothing in each other but the negativeness. This is called negative affect reciprocity, and it is a vicious cycle that's hard to break.
But, there is hope, before one goes down the path of negativity. Closeness and happiness in relationships comes from open and honest communication between partners. If Terry had talked to Sam when they felt like they were being short changed, and Sam had listened, and respected Terry's concerns, then the negativity could have been avoided. Balance can be restored.
The website loveisrespect.org offers several helpful tips when it comes to communication. They advise you to: speak to your partner face to face, in order to avoid any potential miscommunications; be open, honest, and apologize when you make a mistake instead of making an excuse; and to use the 48 hour rule. If something your partner said after 48 hours still hurts you, then it's something serious you need to talk to them about.
A powerful youtube video that I found that promotes healthiness in relationships was by the Practical Psychology channel, and it talked about 10 Habits of Healthy Relationships.
In a relationship, it's crucial to have equity between you and your significant other. While communication is key to having a successful relationship, there are other factors that play a major role in the process. Aspects like respect, honesty, understanding, and forgiveness all play into the happiness, health and success of a relationship.
I'd like to end this blog post with questions to you, the reader. Are there any other factors that you think are crucial to the success of a relationship? What do you feel is the most important thing in order to promote happiness, healthiness, and stability?
References:
Kassin, S. M., Fein, S., & Markus, H. R. (2017). Social psychology. Boston, MA: Cengage Learning.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/communicate-better/
10 Habits of Healthy Relationships - Healthy Lifestyle Tips : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFlDWciH5fQ&t=316s
This post is just full of helpful relationship advice! I personally liked the note that if something your partner said hurts you even after 48 hours, to say something about it. I often have a hard time balancing when an issue is small enough to let go and when I want to say something about it to my partner. Because even though it is better to be honest and open in a relationship, pointing out every little flaw or aspect you don't like about your partner can get just as negative as Sam and Terry were with lack of communication.
ReplyDeleteExactly! Some times, you do need to let the little things go. That being said, it is crucial that you're always honest with your partner. But there are ways for you to be honest, without being hurtful. Being mindful of what you say, and how they would interpret it, is very important when communicating your feelings.
DeleteThank you for commenting!
A lovely post!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to talk a bit about your last two paragraphs. You mention how communication is important, but that there are other factors. You then mention things like understanding and forgiveness.
I actually think that these other factors play right into communication. After all, understanding and forgiveness are only half the battle; communicating that understanding and forgiveness also goes a long way towards maintaining the bond with your partner!
That is true! Communication is more than just talking to your partner, it's about how you talk to them. Being honest with what you say and understanding where they're coming from with what they say are to crucial aspects to communication. When your partner makes a mistake, it is important to forgive, as long as your forgiveness isn't taken for granted. You can only do so much. It's up to your partner to show you that they are truly sorry for what they've done, and make amends for it.
DeleteThank you for the complement, and thanks for commenting!
I totally agree with your point that communication is the foundation of any relationship. Another really interesting thing with communication is love languages. Here is a brief article on them. http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1059295/What-are-the-5-Love-Languages. I think this is sort of an offshoot of the base level communication you discuss in your blog post. In order to effectively communicate, you have to know how your partner prefers to receive feedback.
DeleteI really like the 48 hour rule, so thank you for talking about that! Personally I think honesty is the key to a happy and healthy relationship. Honestly leads to being able to trust each other and trust leads to sharing with each other. I really enjoyed this post and found it very interested to read and watch the video. What do you think is the major reason the divorce rate is so high?
ReplyDeleteI think the reason divorce rates are so high in this day in age can be connected to many changes in society. In my personal opinion, I think it can be chalked down to the rising idea that marriage isn't exactly necessary for survival and people are living more diversified lives than the expected white picket fence. Some people are owning their individualism by becoming single parents and being strong and independent. Some people are realizing they can be more picky in their spouse choices with the availability of dating apps. Overall, I think people have more options for partners and they don't have to settle for the first person they fall in love with for the rest of their lives.
DeleteI feel like the 48 hour rule certainly does have its benefits, but like with what Cassie had said, sometimes you do need to talk in the moment.
DeleteIt is an unfortunate fact that divorce rates are so high in America, and I think a key factor in that is that people become complacent in marriage. In love and in relationships, it's important to keep up with the romance, and to not let your partner feel like you're taking them for granted. I also feel that some people have a higher difficulty communicating than others, so this causes major problems in relationships. If people hold back their feelings, and let them stew and boil over, then it explodes one day and things get very messy very quickly. It's important to always let your partner know what they mean to you, and to express how you feel when you feel it.
I do agree with you Emma, societal changes have brought on a whole new meaning of the word marriage. Traditionally, it was expected of a woman to be subservient to her husband, but now with women in the workforce, being their own independent people, they realize that they don't have to be held back by the shackles of tradition. They can be single parents, they don't have to get married when they're young, and they can share the roles traditionally burdened upon them with their significant others. These new choices lead women to be who they want to be, and that doesn't always mean, like what you said, a white picket fence.
DeleteThank you for seeing my point of view Justin! I think that this line of thinking relates back to my blog post from Chapter 5 talking about inequalities in society. My post
Delete(https://psy3720.blogspot.com/2018/02/lack-of-representation-of-women-in-stem.html) was about lack of representation of women in STEM. Do you think one of the reasons it's more difficult for women in succeed in STEM is because of the traditional expectations of marriage? And if so, is this high divorce rate helping women get to higher positions in the workplace?
So sweet. I kind of have to disagree with the 48 hour rule.. at least for me I find it easier to just talk about it right at that moment. However, that comes with needing other qualities in the relationship. In my relationship, we're both fairly mature and never get overly upset (yelling, crying, etc.) even if something bothers us. We can usually talk it out and our both good listeners and good at being able to see both sides of a situation. I also think being able to be independent in a relationship is super important. Having other friends, being able to be apart for a period of time, and not getting worked up when they don't text you back within 5 minutes is all key to a healthy, stable relationship in my opinion :)
ReplyDeleteI think it is very important to talk to your significant other when something really bothers you. That needs to come out when it happens, and you need to not let it fester inside of you. But if its something minute, like the way they folded the dish towels, sometimes the right answer is to just let it go, and see if it's something that you want to start a fight over.
DeleteI totally agree with you too. Independence is another key component of a good and healthy relationship. It's important to have your life together, but also to have your lives as individuals. A video game night for your friends, or a move night for your partner and their friends, no matter what it is, it's important to have the time away from each other as well.
I like this post a lot! The first statistic you give is pretty crazy, and sad, if you think about it. I definitely think that promoting a happy and healthy relationship is extremely important if you want to make it work in the long run. There will always be fights, but it's the way you handle them and move forward that matters. A fight can turn into something negative and then can be brought up again and again and turn into more negative fighting between a couple. But if there is openness in the relationship, they can talk about it and come to a happy medium or realize where each person is coming from. This will promote a healthy and stable relationship and can prevent such a negative environment from fighting.
ReplyDeleteArguments and fighting will come in any relationship that you have, and you're right! How you handle those fights is key to what kind of relationship you have. Are you attacking each other? OR are you attacking the problem at hand, and trying to find a solution. In the youtube video I posted in my blog post, linked here: https://youtu.be/tFlDWciH5fQ?t=316, his seventh habit of a healthy relationship is how to attack the problem, and not each other. Once you start to form that negative environment, you run straight towards the negative affect reciprocity, and you turn towards toxicity in your relationship.
DeleteKnowing how to argue is another key step in having healthy and happy relationships. Thank you for commenting!
Great premise for your post! I really liked how you started with stating the problem and then continued to suggest ways to resolve the issue. I think that there are certainly different societal and cultural factors that can have impacts on relationships. Your post discussed how communication is hugely important in healthy relationships. I think that the ways that communication is changing due to technology is something that is creating new challenges in relationships, especially when a relationship is just starting to form. A lot of initial communications like flirting and getting to know one another can occur digitally now. This can make face-to-face interactions feel awkward or stressful for people because they don’t have the time to think things through like they do when communicating electronically. Also, I think that young people are starting to put a lot of emphasis on posting with their significant other or reading into the kinds of posts that their significant other “likes”. This can create added stress or tension in relationships.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that new technologies may be influencing the way new couples are. I can certainly attest to the fact that younger relationships can happen over the phone, and hardly ever person because I've had a few relationships like that in the past. You really lose out on a lot of the face to face interaction, and that's something a developing relationship needs.
DeleteSocietal pressures coming from Facebook and such may have an impact on it as well. Young people may feel the need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend because that's what their peers are doing, and it's amplified now through Facebook. They then would feel the need to do that themselves, and have their own posts to get likes and whatnot.
ReplyDeleteI think communication and respect are the most important factors that are crucial to a healthy relationship. Couples can talk to each other, but if they do not respect each other they will not take their partner seriously and won't take the steps necessary to making sure they are happy. To me, respecting your partner when it comes to communication is very important. Even if you disagree with your partner, you need to still be aware of their feelings and know that they are valid.
Relationships are definitely not as easy as they may appear. There are various factors that go into maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. In my opinion, I think the most significant factor is trust. Without trust, it is difficult to communicate, respect, and forgive others. In order to promote happiness in a relationship, I think it is important to always be willing to listen to what the other person has to say.
ReplyDeleteI liked this post a lot. I think this information could be relevant to many college students because we are getting into the time in our lives when we become more serious with our relationships, romantic and just friends. I know from experience that friends who talk behind another friend's back instead of confronting the person directly never actually solve the problem because the person doesn't know there is a problem.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the largest factor or reason that most marriages end in divorce, is it lack of communication or other factors such as infidelity? - I'd be interested to learn more about this.
ReplyDeleteOne other thing that I was thinking about while reading your post was that I 100% agree that open & honest communication is key to a healthy, happy, and successful relationship but, also how the communication happens or how a message is delivered. I think communication styles play a hug role in addressing conflict in a relationship (I think the 48 Hour Rule is of some relevance here). Some people handle conflict differently and need more or less time to process that conflict or whatever is bothering them before being confronted by the other partner, who may already be ready to address the conflict and work through it.
Some people do need different amounts of time to process conflict, like you said, and I believe that couples with openness, honesty, and communication could work that out together. Telling your partner how you feel can save both of you time and hurt in the long run. Hiding your feelings only brings on pain in the future, and your partner needs to understand when you express yours, and respect your need to process the conflict at hand. If they're unable to accept that, then that's a major breaking point in a relationship. Without respect, it can only last so long without imploding.
DeleteNice blog post and complementary YouTube video. Being open and honest is definitely a key to a healthy and long lasting relationship.
ReplyDeleteI also enjoyed the 48 hour rule. I have never heard about this before, but I 100% agree with it. I personally fall victim to this and tend to bottle things up that I really shouldn't... which is both unhealthy for me and the relationship. I think the 48 hour rule is a great ideology that can help differentiate trivial and significant issues, and also help confront the issue. I will remember this and try to apply in my life. Thanks for the tip!
This was a great and helpful post! I think that you hit all of the major keys to what is important for a successful relationship at the end of your post. I had never heard about the 48 hour rule before and I believe in some situations it could be helpful, but in others if you're hurt by something a partner said you may want to bring it up ASAP to avoid any unwanted feeling to come up as you overthink a situation that might have happened.
ReplyDeleteI found your post very interesting and informative. Something I find can play a major role into someones ability to maintain a healthy relationship is how they are raised. If someone is surrounded by a struggling relationship compared to a stable home filled with communication will most likely be uniformed on how to handle certain situations. Overall, relationships are difficult and can be complicated at times so as long as the partners are will to fight for it I think a relationship has a chance.
ReplyDeleteI have never heard of the 48 hour rule before. I wish I had. It could have saved me a lot of energy. I feel like the tip about not attacking is a lot easier said than done. We are always so quick to point out what the other person has done wrong and not mention what we have done wrong. I do agree with the tip about stopping and taking a break instead of making a situation worse. I walk away from conversations when things get heated. I will say that while these tips are useful, when we are angry the things we know we should be doing tends to go out the window depending on the situation.
ReplyDeleteTaking a break is a great tool when you get heated in an argument with a significant other. It gives you time to cool off before you can say something that you can never take back. But it is important to come back to those conversations when you are cooled off, so you can talk to them with a clear head. Being mindful of yourself, and how you're acting can also be a huge factor in maintaining a healthy relationship.
DeleteGreat post! Most of the comments here seem to focus on the last section of the post, where you address the importance of communication, as well as other tips for avoiding conflict in relationships, but I think it's important to address the beginning of your post as well, where you discuss how a lot of relationships head south when individuals feel that the ratio between contributions and benefits are unequal. While lack of communication can obviously be a major problem in a relationship, I think the fact that so many of us consciously seek a balanced ratio can be as much, if not more, of a problem. As individuals, we all offer unique skill sets and personalities, and when we enter into relationships, I think that we should each still offer up 100% of those things, and hope that our relationship partners do the same. We shouldn't expect to only give 50%, have the other person compensate for the other 50%, and then get upset or angry when we perceive them contributing less than that. The things that our partners offer should compliment the things that we offer so that we're better as a whole, not just make up for the things that we'd rather not offer so that we add up to a whole.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your unique post! I agree with you when we shouldn't always seek the balanced ratio. I feel that sometimes in science, people can get a little too technical about the way people act, and the equity theory is definitely one of those examples. It's ideal to look for a partner that is equal in what they give and offer compared to what you give and offer. It's also crucial that what they do offer, like what you said, pairs well with that you give into the relationship. Like if you expect them to be sensitive to your feelings, its only right that you're sensitive with theirs.
DeleteCommunication always seems to be one of the key factors in maintaining a solid relationship. If there is an inability to talk about what really needs to be talked about, it's likely that both parties will have ill feelings towards the other. The ability to effectively communicate and to understand what each person is looking for in that relationship definitely seems to be necessary. Personally, 48 hours seems like a really long time to wait to address what might be a serious issue, but everyone handles issues differently and the best solution is probably the one that both fixes the problem at hand and works effectively for both people.
ReplyDelete